


loving you is a losing game

by halokeys



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Fluff and Angst, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Kang Taehyun-Centric, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Not Proofread, One Shot, One-Sided Attraction, Pining, Short One Shot, Unrequited Love, beomjunists come get y'all crumbs, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-14 08:21:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28667649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halokeys/pseuds/halokeys
Summary: It's funny in a sad way, because Taehyun's always been good at games, knows which cards to play, which paths to take to win. He can read ahead, think back, which makes him a formidable opponent in almost everything he tries, but this...this is a game for the heart and for the first time, Taehyun is hopelessly lost.
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Choi Yeonjun, Choi Beomgyu/Kang Taehyun
Comments: 4
Kudos: 45





	loving you is a losing game

Beomgyu tilts his head back as he laughs at something Yeonjun’s said, leaning his weight onto the table behind him and, from across the room, Taehyun watches the way his hair falls out of his face, the way his shoulders hunch and shake slightly. His laughter rings through the room, clear and bright. Taehyun loves his laugh, sharp and unapologetically loud, loves the way his eyes disappear into crescent moons, loves the way happiness looks on him. The little details, the mirth sparkling in his eyes and the scrunch of his nose. Taehyun is endeared.

Beomgyu waves a hand at them half heartedly as he shuffles towards his bedroom after dinner. He looks distracted, has that familiar furrow in his brow, that distant, blank look in his eyes. Taehyun’s eyes trace the slight downturn of his lips, pressed tightly together, catch the spots where his teeth have gnawed the flesh raw. He worries his bottom lip and contemplates following Beomgyu, even pushes his chair back to stand up, but Yeonjun beats him to it, sliding smoothly to his side and slipping an arm around his waist. Beomgyu leans into the touch and rests his head on Yeonjun’s shoulder, placing his hand over Yeonjun’s on his waist. They disappear into the bedroom and Taehyun exhales, tearing his eyes away from the closed door. He peers into the murky remains of his soup and sees the knit of his brows reflected in a lonely pepper slice. Sighing, he puts his head on the table, ignoring Kai’s sound of sympathy from the couch and Soobin’s hand gently ruffling his hair.

Taehyun’s known how he’s felt since 2 years ago, when Beomgyu had collapsed during a monthly evaluation and without thinking, he dropped everything to make sure he was okay. The pure terror that had shot through his body when he saw Beomgyu fall, body limp like a marionette whose strings had been cut, the singular repeating thought in his mind, _Please be okay. Please be okay. Please be okay_ , punctuated with the sinking finality of _I don’t know what I’d do without you._

It’s also been 2 years since he’s found out how Beomgyu feels about Yeonjun. An hour of frantic phone calls and various forms of mental breakdowns later, Beomgyu had opened his eyes and the first word that left his lips was a weak “Yeonjun?” Of course, Yeonjun had rushed over immediately, knelt by his side and held his hand so tightly and Taehyun had seen the shine in Beomgyu’s eyes and just _known._

It’s not healthy, Taehyun’s fully aware. To love someone whose heart belongs to another is a type of pain he wouldn’t wish on anyone, but there’s still a part of him that foolishly hopes to experience that rare softness in Beomgyu’s gaze, the special smile he saves only for Yeonjun, the secret touches they think no one sees, but Taehyun sees everything. This endless poker game, with Beomgyu and Yeonjun on one team, has Taehyun feeling like an outsider. He watches them get closer and closer, putting down play after play that Taehyun can never seem to best, but he still holds on to the hope that maybe if he plays his cards right, he’ll win in on Beomgyu’s secret love language only Yeonjun seems to be fluent in.

It’s movie night and Yeonjun’s chosen to rewatch Annabelle despite violent protests from Taehyun and Kai, citing his desperate need for an adrenaline rush because apparently living with 4 other adolescent males isn’t challenging enough for him. Taehyun reluctantly settles against the arm of the couch, leaving a huge empty space next to him. He seems Beomgyu walking towards the living area holding a bowl of popcorn and perks up, grinning widely at him and lifting his hand to wave him over. Instead of sitting beside him like Taehyun wanted, Beomgyu squeezes himself onto the tiny loveseat next to Yeonjun and it’s obviously way too small for the both of them, so he ends up half sitting in Yeonjun’s lap. Taehyun shoves his hand underneath his legs and quickly averts his gaze, distracting himself from their playful bickering with the edges of his fraying shirt sleeve. Thankfully, Soobin starts the movie and they fall into silence.

Sadly, no good thing can last forever. The first jump scare has Beomgyu shooting out of his seat with a yelp and Kai spilling the popcorn. The second one comes a few minutes later, but this one’s quieter, save for Kai’s muffled swearing, and Taehyun glances over to see Beomgyu cuddled into Yeonjun’s side, no longer paying attention to the movie. His thumb is running circles over Yeonjun’s knuckle as he listens intently to whatever he’s whispering to him, the look in his eyes sickeningly sweet, and Taehyun suddenly wants to throw up. The movie noises fade to a dull hum, a static sound, his attention fully trained on the boy he loves and the one in his heart.

It's funny in a sad way, because Taehyun's always been good at games, always knows which cards to play, which paths to take. He can read ahead, think back, which makes him a formidable opponent in almost everything he tries. But love...love is messy, nonlinear in a way that makes no sense to people like him, yet Beomgyu understands it effortlessly, hopeless romantic that he is. It adheres to no logic Taehyun can comprehend, renders him hopelessly lost as he tries to untangle his feelings, for love is the one thing he simply cannot think his way out of. He’s so far gone, but Beomgyu’s heart lies with someone else and no matter how hard he tries, Taehyun will never be enough to fill all the spaces he needs, for this is a game for the heart and Taehyun's always been more of a chess player.

The creases around Beomgyu’s eyes deepen, and his smile grows wider and wider as Yeonjun continues to whisper in his ear. Taehyun feels that familiar ache in his heart again, but now he accepts it, revels in it, and thinks _Loving you was a losing game, but I played it anyway._

**Author's Note:**

> this was inspired by a stanza from cowboy like me by taylor swift! you can yell at me on my social medias :]
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/halokeys)/[cc](https://curiouscat.me/halokeys)


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